before you leave the hospital
& the first days

AMEND Parents' suggestions for in the hospital 

These are some suggestions to help you make as many memories as possible,
in the short time you have with your precious baby. 

• Request a photographer (in hospital, Now I Lay Me Down to Sleep, Hope In The Heartache Ministries) 

  • • If a photographer is unavailable, take your own photos/video: Ask a nurse for assistance if too difficult

    • Take as many pictures as possible, hundreds if possible! Have pictures done with and without clothes. Place meaningful objects with your baby in the pictures…such as a cross, parent’s wedding rings, a hand drawn picture that a young sibling did for the baby, a toy that meant for the baby, etc. Try to smile to show you are proud you gave birth to your precious baby

    • Include photos of just their feet, ears & hands, as well as your hands together

    • Include your family & siblings in the pictures you take. Also close friends if you choose.

    • Consider taking a video of your time together, so you can remember the beautiful moments together

• Get as many mementos/keepsakes as possible

  • • Measuring tape, comb, soap, outfit, locket of hair, hat, blanket, ink and/or clay hand & foot impressions

• You can spend as much time as you'd like with your baby (cuddlecot can be bedside). There is no hurry. Spend the night with them, if you choose.

• You can hold your baby, dress them, bathe them, change their diaper, read them a story, rock them, sing to them, baptize them, unwrap them to look at all their features and then swaddle them, name them (if they don't already have a name)

  • • Kiss, smell & caress your baby, as well as hold them skin to skin

    • Savor every parenting ritual you can think of with your baby

    • Allow family members, as well as siblings, to hold your baby

    • Look for birthmarks and similarities you share with your baby

• Ask a Priest or Pastor for a blessing, if this feels appropriate for you

• Know your milk may come in within a few days, ask to speak to a Lactation Consultant 

• Discuss with your physician potential options for further testing (i.e. lab work, pathology exam, autopsy) 

AMEND Parents' suggestions

for the initial days after your loss 

• Review everything in your discharge folder as soon as possible. There are additional resources and medical symptoms in which to monitor.

• Be kind, patient, & loving to yourself. Allow yourself time and space to grieve. 

  • • Cry freely. It's healthy & acceptable for both parents. It releases built up tension. 

• Take as much time as you can for just the two of you. 

  • • One couple had 2 weeks just to themselves to be alone with their grief together and to grow together in their grief. It was the best two weeks of the worst time of their lives.

    • Know that Men & women grieve differently. It is helpful to have open communication, and it's important to not have expectations of each other's grief timeline or expressions of grief. 

    • However you & your partner grieve is validated. There are no rules in grief. 

• Ask family/friends for help with practical things: Make phone calls like arrangements, go into stores, run errands, cook. They want to help & don't know how 

  • • Know people will say inappropriate things, though they mean well 

• Hold space for your other children. They are grieving too, and it will look much different from your grief.

• Seek support sooner, rather than later: Within 6 weeks, try to become involved with a group of parents with similar experiences, like AMEND 

• Contacting a Perinatal Loss Therapist or any Counselor that lists Grief as a specialty, can be very beneficial 

• There is no grief timeline; take it as slowly as one minute at a time. You don't need to move forward right now, just breathe.

• Normal, intense grieving is expected to last 12-24 months with many ups & downs.

• It is normal for the anniversaries of your baby's birth & death, baby's due date, holidays, and milestones to be a stressful time. On these days, the grief may feel like it did on day one. Be gentle with yourself.

• Whenever possible, try to put off all major decisions for at least 1 year (moving houses, changing jobs, large purchases) 

• Have a thorough discussion with your doctor or grief counselor about when you should, or can, try to conceive again. Give yourself sufficient time to mourn & recover your physical and emotional strength.