Testimonials

Here is what helped other bereaved parents and advice they give to those fresh after loss 

Parents of Diego: Andy & Stephanie

        I am so happy that we allowed pictures to be takes by professional photographers, Now I Lay Me Down to Sleep. We treasure the pictures. We also were glad that we had Diego’s hand and foot prints made in a photo album. It was really important that we got to hold him for as long as we needed and we were able for his grandparent to get to hold. My husband got the opportunity to hold and rock him which I did not get to do because I had a c-section. If I had to do it over again I would have done anything possible to get to rock Diego and to bath and dress him. When I was given him his eyes were closed and I did not think about opening them to see them. I wish I had thought about seeing his eyes.    

         We also decided to do a memorial service for our son. We did all the planning ourselves. We decided it was best for us to do cremation so that no matter where we are we can take him with us. We have a small urn and then each one of us has a piece of jewelry with his ashes in them. This is what was best for us. Do what you feel is best for you despite what others may tell you that you need to do.

        The other things that helped were only picking up the phone when we felt lite it and I did not do that often for the first month or two, only select people. I have also learned to say NO to things when I did not feel like it and it was okay. If you happen to know someone who has also lost a baby, talk with them or email them regularly. Also, we made it a point to go to the first AMEND meeting which was a week later because if we did not we knew we never would. We also went to a grief group at our church weekly for the first couple months. This group helped us understand the grief process but everyone else in the group had lost an older family member so no one could really relate that was why we went to both it and AMEND.

        After the first couple of months people will no longer ask how you are doing and assume you are okay, even those who you think will ask will not. Those who you don’t think will be the ones who really want to know how you are doing. Keep these people close and talk to them.

Parents of Jack: David & Sarah

         We did a lot of things with our son, Jack. Some of them I thought sounded strange at first. But the time we had with his little body was so short, I’m glad we did everything suggested. We bathed him, we did ink hand and foot prints, as well as clay hand and foot prints. I have beautiful photographs. My kids met him, my parents met him, my sister-in-law and a best friend met him and we were able to love him. We took pictures of the whole family. I have a stuffed bear that wears an outfit Jack wore. I have a picture of the top of his head (loved his hair) and his hands and feet. He spent the night with us. The hospital staff gave us him comb and his measuring tape and his soap. We had a priest bless him All of these things were suggested by friends, family and the medical staff. It was such a sad day for us, but these memories are all good ones.

Parents of Andrew: Jacob & Ashley

          I wish I gave my son a bath.

          I wish I would have put a diaper on him.

          I wish I would have taken pictures as a family. We only have of him and now looking back, I wish I had pictures of him, my husband and myself.

          I wish I would have read a book to him.

          I wish I would have told everyone to leave so we can just have “Andrew time”.

          I wish that Karen was there to let me know that I am not alone on this lifelong journey that I am about to enter.

          Even though I wish for all of these things, I try not to beat myself up over it. In its own way, our hello and goodbyes with our son were “perfect” just the way it was. I am always going to want more but I have learned to stop asking Why my son? It just hurts more and doesn’t help the situation. He is our first born and we love him dearly and look forward to each day because we know that it is a day closer and that we will see our beautiful son, Andrew Ryan, again.

Parents of Elizabeth Claire: Matt & Andrea

        First, I wish we would have taken pictures on the day she was born. She looked like a normal sleeping baby the hours after she was born. One the photographer was available the next day, she looked dead. I also wish we would have bathed her and that way we could have seen the exact color and texture of her hair (It was dark and matted). My husband and I made the decision of not allowing anyone to visit us in the hospital, so none of the Grandparents had a chance to hold her. Although I am not 100% sure we would have changed this decision in hindsight, a part of me regrets not allowing anyone else to see her. Other than these things, I really have no regrets.

I have a good support system and starting seeing a therapist soon after. I think that talking about what happened has really helped my healing process.

         I wish no one would need these suggestions ever, but that is life.

Parent of Jackson Henry and 3 babies miscarried: Yolanda

          I wished I had gone to a priest for a blessing before scheduling my D & C.

Parents of Briana Danielle, Stephanie Nicole & Jordan Diana (triplet girls): Wade & Michelle

          I think the best thing we did after losing our beautiful triplet girls was to make sure they were buried together and wrapped in a beautiful afghan that one of my mother’s friends had crocheted for them as my baby shower gift. I still have the remaining blankets she made and have them with the baby book we had started making when we found out we were expecting. It also has all the ultrasound photos, their footprints the hospital did for us and the pictures the nurses took for us at the hospital.

           March 21st, 2012 will mark 14 years since our angels went  to heaven and I do know if it wasn’t for the time we spent at AMEND, I would not have healed as well as we have. Karen was sent by God and I am blessed to have been given her information by a wonderful social worker at Brandon Regional.

Parents of Meghan Elizabeth: Steve & Dawn

          I wish I was not too upset at the time to realize pictures and video would have been ok. I was so angry that I screamed no pictures and I regret that decision.

          Pamphlets and poems about how tough the holidays would be would have been helpful.

          I wished I had dressed my daughter.

          I wished I had photos of her hands with mine and my husband’s hands. I also wish I had taken photos of her small feet with our wedding rings on her toes.

           It took many years until I was able to cope with it better but with Karen coming and talking with me and letting me see that I was not alone was so very helpful.

           Going to the local AMEND support group helped keep me alive and my marriage was better.

Parents of Jacob Aaron & Addyson Bailee: Cory & Brooke

           On October 24, 2011 we said hello and goodbye to our precious twins, Jacob Aaron and Addyson Bailee Howard. That day was a whirlwind that we didn’t expect. We were so fortunate to have Karen from AMEND help with the happiest and saddest day of our lives. Taking pictures of our angels was the most precious keepsake we have to remember them. I would recommend taking hundreds of pictures if possible. We took around 50 pictures and it wasn’t enough. We didn’t bathe our babies and I really wish we had washed them. We didn’t have clothes for them and thankfully Karen had white gowns that were small enough to put them in.

           We shared precious moments with our families and allowed them to hold Jacob and Addyson. We kept our babies for hours after they passed away and I am thankful for that time to bond and stare at their precious faces. We unwrapped them and looked at their entire bodies and then swaddled them back up in their blankets. We also saw them the next morning and although their little bodies were red and cold, I am so happy I got to hold them, one last time. I also looked at them at the Funeral Home. I couldn’t get enough of them! I wish we had made an imprint of their hands and feet. I want more pictures and I cannot get them. Next time I have a baby, I want to videotape the delivery, our reactions, because these are things you cannot get back. Take time to enjoy your baby. Although you are stricken with the pain of losing your baby, bond with your sweet angel before saying goodbye.

Parents of Mack Douglas: J.D. & Nikki

             I told my son that he was going to be with his Grandma (my mom) and she would take care of him until we were reunited again one day.

Parents of Ella Nicole: Michael & Angie Phelps

             My daughter was stillborn at 23 weeks and at first I was afraid to hold her or even look at her. I was afraid of that image being burned into my mind for the rest of my life. It would be something that I knew I would never be able to get out of my head. Well, something came to my mind. A friend of mine a year earlier had lost a baby at 17 weeks. She didn’t hold him and only barely looked at him. This is something that she now regrets very much. I know that God allowed that to come to my mind to help keep me from having those same regrets. I did choose to see her and then hold her and I am so glad that I did. She was so beautiful and I cherish those moments. I have a picture of us together that I would never have had otherwise. My only regret is that I didn’t hold her more and even try and dress her. She was so fragile that I was afraid to hurt her in some way. My advice is to hold your baby as much as you can and take lots of pictures. If you can, do the little things like bathe your baby and dress your baby. These will be memories that you will cherish later.

Parents of Twins James & Grace: Vince & Melanie

            On September 23, 2008 our beautiful twins entered the world. James returned to heaven after 7 hours and Grace left after 3 days. We never regretted anything we did for your children – Earth or Heavenly angels. We were able to hold James after his passing and then made the decision to remove Grace from the ventilator when the doctors informed us there was nothing left they could do. Though her eyes were still sealed and she couldn’t open them, she smiled at us. We asked all family to leave and we, as parents, focused only on three of us – we held her, held each other and cried in private. When we had said our goodbyes, we asked the hospital for a private room so that our extended family could hold her and have their time to grieve also.

             One of the best things we did was seek grief counseling for our living child. Hospice offered the service of going to his school and talking with him weekly about his feelings. We also sought assistance through AMEND and through private counseling. The loss of a child affects everyone differently and the health of our family, including our child and our marriage, were a priority as we dealt with the stress of our loss. While we may never fully heal the holes in our heart, we have emerges stronger as a unit – more determined to honor our Heavenly twins by living fully.

             We cherish our Now I Lay Me Down to Sleep professional photos. We have blown them up and they hand next to our living son’s picture – while my son matures, theirs remains eternally the same. These pictures allow us to celebrate their short lives and include them as a part of our family.

             I strongly encourage parents to do what feel right to them so that they will have no regrets. Our funeral home urged us not to see our children after their passing, but we needed to – and that was right for us. That decision might not be right for you. Listen to your heart – if you need to so something, don’t let anyone talk you out of it. Not doing what is right for you is where regrets are created.

          One final thought is that I (Melanie) ran from the grief for so long. I returned to work only days after burying our children and thought that by going on the “life as usual” I could hide from the grief. A year later it all came crashing down on me. So our last piece of advice is that the only way to deal with this horrible loss is by going THROUGH it. Let yourself grieve. Cry when you need to – even if that is in the middle of the grocery store baby aisle. Vent your anger when it comes -- just do it appropriately. Listen to your body – if you need to sleep…sleep, if you need to clean…clean, if you need to pray…pray. And finally, understand that a “new normal” awaits – eventually you will heal enough to enjoy life again.

Parents of James Matthew: Justin & Rebecca

            I would take as many photos and videos as you can . . . see your child naked (I didn’t get to and it bothers me a lot.  I just wanted to see his whole body and his cute little toosh!) .  I also wanted a measurement of his head and they didn’t . . . and I’m not sure how true it is, but I had no idea . . . you can baptize angel babies . . . I wish I did. My baby also seemed very cold and it bothered me that I couldn’t warm him up. I wish I had more blankets.

From the book “The Good Grief Club”

             Almost every one of us had regrets of not carrying out every possible act of mothering towards our babies that could have possibly been done. It was our one and only chance, and amidst the shock and confusion of what was happening, we make it through this harrowing experience doing as much as we possibly could.

 For those of us who had only hours with the babies we thought we would have a lifetime with, those minutes and hours suddenly replace that lifetime and became the memories we would carry with us forever, and eventually, for many, would bring us peace or comfort in that remembering.